From a distance, I fell. In my world of fantasy, I saw scenes and scripts of an angel. The aura of ‘Night Walk’ radiates, I could only believe the dream am having. Her beauty was graced with decency, even if its pretence, I don’t mind playing the fool character. With a cute-curved ash skirt alongside a white stocked-shirt, I know am in for a blessing, embedded with a charming smile. Slightly taller than I, Mama would love that. Chocolate-skinned, with a pink lips…Chai! Am done!
‘He that finds a wife, finds a good thing’, I preached in silence. The ‘good thing’ before me is a sign that my day is really blessed. My prayer is working. You see, its always good to pray before and after your day. Now, I don’t mind ‘kabashing’ for another two hours at the end of the day. The pleasure will be streaming from this gift before me. The Lord is God! Its a good thing! Thank God, I prayed again.
Hopes kept kicking as I observed she was going same direction I was and to such moments, you often pray the transit breaks down for more onlooking of this earthen blessing in a body while the repairs last.
There is time, I encouraged my wit. Its time, talk to her now. Say ‘Hi’, at least. The man is dead, my hopes came dashing. My enemies are at it again. The fear grew stronger beneath my heart, pounding hastily in nano seconds. All I could do is to hope for a miracle, let her talk to me. Its a warm morning but the heat seems to be more on me than any other. If only norm would change for me, I did be glad but it never did.
In Nigeria, the guy does the wooing more and that seems to be the norm, the idea is simple – the man is the lead actor in this game.
You know, my ill luck would have been better if am alone but I wasn’t. My pastor was with me, my Mum and Dad, books I have read, movies I have watched, my Friends, you know, a handful of them I can’t possibly count. Their presence was obvious and well written in my actions, unconsciously. For the first time, I desired to be left alone, no, all the time, I lied. I needed to understand my person, my personality- to be the man. Face down, I could only stare at my palms as if I lost a baby in it. I wanted to ‘ghost-mode’ into her heart but my fears are more real than my enemies.
‘Driver, I will drop here’, she said.
I died again, from my thoughtful-slumber, I knew I did lost her. Those words stole me, I only had to watch, watch her alight from the taxi. That’s what i have been doing for years, to watch my desires and opportunities walk away. In this, I knew I have missed, the 7th time. I could only imagine! What have I gotten myself into? I mean, why me? The cry was unheard, the loss is written all over me. Dejected and miserable! How unfair, I mourned as I stare to death as she fades away from a distance, the side-mirror couldn’t keep her close, close to me. I have always wanted this but I have got some demons to deal with.
Back in the cab, I could only imagine her in my arms. Her lips plated against mine and the softness of her skin could heal my wrinkles. Her smile in my morning would mean joy through my day. The grace that besieged her person is engrossed in her earthen vessels, there can never be a better blessing for my day than I wished. In my doom, reality fades in, I lost, again!
‘Bros, na last bus stop be this ooo’, the taximan snapped. If only he understands, I thought, he would have aided my desire, but how?
That was my choice, I could have done better.
But what happened? Why did I went blank so quick and momentarily? I couldn’t explain better but I knew the past came, the ‘teachings’ of my Pastor, he said such is evil. Mummy wants Ngozi, she introduced her to me yesterday. Daddy said she must be a Roman Catholic. My Uncle told me girls are deadly and so many of such. You see, I really have no demons, those are, the demons of influence.
Like my boss, Olakunle Soriyan, would say; the minute you are born, you seize to be yourselves but a product of influence.
As true that is, it is our bane. We are never our true self, our personality has been distorted, either for the good or the bad. Who we are today are all influences and reflection of persons around us. When we were kids, we weren’t allowed to watch our favourite TV shows, now we don’t want our kids to. Its wasn’t our decision, it was the influence of our parents. We came to love blue pants and striped shirts, maybe that was Dads favourite. To every of our perceive self consciousness, there is a level of the sentiment, influence! We aren’t free, we have been chained to them.
Our past has been stereotyped into our future. We don’t have the judgment of our own. No freedom of thought as a result of how we were brought up or the environment we grew in. Its just like a box, we can’t explore beyond the thoughts of our Pastor, Uncle, Teacher, Mother, Father, etc. Like a fog, we can’t see beyond what we are ‘permitted’ to see. Though we are free, nobody holds us bound to the floor and asks us around but their thoughts dictates our life.
And you want ask, how does that affect me?
‘Life will never give you what you deserve, only what you negotiated for’ – Olakunle Soriyan
Negotiation here is a conscious and deliberate attempt, by YOU, to get what YOU want and to get what YOU want, YOU must know what YOU want. The idea is simple – YOU are the factor, YOU are the idea.
At some point in our life, we need let go some things, not because they are bad or they are wrong, but because its our life, we need to have an independent thought line. We need to make some mistakes, take decisions and thread a path of honour. Let the echoes of the demons be a GUIDE. Mum and Dad won’t always be there. Our pastors won’t either. We won’t always read all the time. You know, there are things we won’t always do or have but one thing is sure, we will always have OURSELVES within. We can’t run from who we are, we can only suspend it for a while, it can’t die. This is You. This is Me. This is OUR life.
Many of us have lost opportunities as a result of this insecurity. We have missed our loved ones. We have ignore our heart to do the right thing and given attention to sentiments of influences over our life. We could have been better than this but what do we see, mummy’s and daddy’s pet! My pastor-said personalities! Its-my-life individuals! But we can change. Let’s thread new path and discover another side of us.
Today is a new day. Be You! Be Different! Be Unique!
And about the I missed, I saw her again. Did I play the nerd again? You can tell better.
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